From Narcissistic Abuse to Fighting Fascism
What Toxic Relationships Taught Me, An Artist, About the World
What do I love about being artistic? Meaning-making. I’m not sure if I believe everything happens for a reason, but I guarantee you I’m built for carving heaven out of havoc. It feels second nature to me.
This post is personal. It is about toxicity in our personal relationships, and how confronting harmful behaviors and healing, can help us confront the tyrants and systemic monsters of the world.
First, I speak from personal experience.
There was a time when everyone seemed to be talking about narcissistic abuse (they probably still are). And as someone who’s been through two highly toxic relationships with men, I found some of the info helpful when I was trying to make sense of my turmoil after escaping highly manipulative partners.
But here’s the thing: most of that info was focused on individual healing from monogamous, personal relationships. Sometimes it extended to dynamics between parents and children, or even toxic work environments.
Online communities formed to share stories, offer support, and navigate the fog of recovery after the relationship, but consuming the endless blogposts, youtube videos and reading self help books can also morph into a dead-end of sorts.
I had a full grasp of love bombing, triangulation, gaslighting and ghosting. I had knowledge. I spent months, years alone in my apartment, shocked and in despair. But no human is an island. I did what artists do: I read, I wrote poems, I collaged and I processed through creativity.
I no longer spend every waking hour mulling over the ostracism from people I once considered community, or feeling the kind of resentment that made me sick to my stomach. You see, what I ended up learning through both my lived experience and my own research wasn’t just about escaping bad relationships, it was about fighting fascism.
And that form of meaning-making seems vital.
That’s what I want to share today.
Quick Disclaimer
Before I dive deeper, let me say this clearly: I’m not a licensed therapist or psychologist. That means I’m not here to diagnose anyone—former partners or public figures included. It’s important to acknowledge that, especially since there’s a lot of pseudoscience floating around the internet.
Just because you’ve experienced manipulation or abuse doesn’t mean the other person is a narcissist in the clinical sense. But people can definitely exhibit narcissistic behaviors. And once you start seeing those patterns for what they are, without needing a diagnosis, you gain stronger discernment, a balanced nervous system and healthy boundaries.
My Experience With Narcissistic Relationships
I’ve been in two major toxic relationships—one when I was 18 (my first relationship ever), and one that ended in 2018. Both of these were deeply emotionally abusive, and I now believe those partners were either actual narcissists, or at the very least, exhibited deeply entrenched narcissistic behaviors.
Leaving those relationships felt like dying. Luckily, also like being reborn. And I don’t say that lightly.
Yes, heartbreak is profoundly painful. But these relationships were different. It wasn’t just sadness or betrayal—it was total emotional disintegration. I dealt with suicidal ideation and a complete breakdown of my sense of self.
I wrote about one of those experiences in a 2019 article, which you can check out for a deeper dive into the personal side of things.
But today’s post isn’t just about what I went through. It’s about what those experiences helped me fight back against larger systems of control, manipulation, and even fascism.
Relationships as Sites of Liberation
Whether they’re romantic, platonic, professional, or political—relationships should be sites of liberation. Liberation isn’t a walk in the park. Conflict may arise, but conflict can also result in deeper intimacy. We’re out here trying to build a world where we’re free, where we feel safe and supported in community. But that can be really hard when we’re constantly navigating heteropatriarchal conditioning, manipulative behaviors and misinformation from the outside world.
One of the hardest aspects is recognizing that emotionally abusive people often act totally different towards others. Explaining how they’ve hurt you can be shocking to their family, friends and acquaintances. You might find yourself secluded and repeating your story like a broken record, if merely to stay sane.
You see, abusive individuals can have strong support systems, they can be charming in public, and seem completely harmless. But behind closed doors, it’s a different story.
This is common in all kinds of abuse cases. Think of child abuse scenarios where one child is being severely mistreated while the others appear to live a normal life. Abusers often compartmentalize how they show up, depending on who they’re interacting with.
(Onyi Ljeh breaks it down in the above short form video)
The Political Parallel: Narcissism and Fascism
Here’s where it all clicked for me.
I was still in the thick of my last emotionally abusive relationship when Trump came into power in 2016. And at the time, the media was scrambling to define this new media/political force. But to me, it was familiar. I couldn’t put a finger on it yet though. It took years to put the puzzle pieces together.
Trump’s behavior—his self-centeredness, his manipulation of media narratives, his lack of empathy—wasn’t just political; it mirrored the toxic dynamics I had experienced in my intimate life. Think trying to work through a conflict but hitting brick wall after brick wall, sleeping with the enemy who secretly wants you to remain self conscious, or crying for days on end, unable to understand why you feel so many ups and downs. These emotional realizations helped me understand something important about the macro power structures that try to rule our world: fascism doesn’t just show up with jackboots and slogans. It shows up in behavior on a massive scale.
Key Traits That Overlap
So how does understanding narcissistic behavior help us resist fascism? Let’s break it down (I know there’s much more to this list, so please share your thoughts in the comments):
1. Lack of Empathy
We’re told to pursue success at all costs. Pick the career that makes money, not the one that helps others. That conditioning breeds a society where empathy is undervalued, and where self-interest is rewarded. That’s a breeding ground for both narcissism and fascism. If we keep in mind that fascism is more a mode of thinking than just a political belief then we fight back by increasing our empathy, compassion and combating apathy at all costs.
2. Exploitative Systems
Capitalism thrives on exploitation. We’re constantly being pushed to monetize everything we love. It creates a system where taking advantage of others isn’t just normalized—it’s expected. Being generous with our money, our time and our love is paramount. Who are you donating to? When is the next protest? How are you building a life, not based just on a paycheck but on making the world better for people and the planet?
3. Hypersensitivity to Truth
This isn’t the same as emotional vulnerability. It’s more like weaponized fragility. For example, when people critique systems of oppression—like white supremacy—those in power twist the narrative to paint themselves as victims. Think the rise of anti-woke and backlash against CTR. Do we even know what these words mean anymore? More recently, we see this in how critiques of Israeli’s genocide in Palestine are distorted into accusations of antisemitism, even when the protests are clearly pro-Palestinian and anti-war. Plus, anti-zionist jews exist and actively resist these narratives by chanting, “not in our name.”
4. Lack of Accountability
Fascism thrives in a culture in which oppressors avoid responsibility. Whether it's government, institutions, or individuals, accountability becomes the enemy. The narrative is always shifted to protect those in power.
5. Delusional Fantasies of the Past
"Make America Great Again," right? That phrase is built on the illusion of a perfect past—a past rooted in oppression, pseudoscience, and rigid, outdated ideas of identity. Wanting to return to that isn’t nostalgia, it’s denial and delusion and it is dangerous.
So, What Now?
Understanding narcissistic behavior helped me reclaim my own personal power. But even more than that, it gave me the tools to see manipulation and control happening on a societal level.
We need empathy. We need accountability. We need relationships—both personal and political—that are rooted in liberation, not domination.
And most importantly, we need each other. Healing from abuse isn’t about isolation, it’s about community, solidarity, and clarity. Once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. And that’s when the real work of resistance begins.
Thanks for reading. Whether you’re healing from personal trauma, organizing for justice, making movement art, or trying to make sense of the chaos around us, just know: you’re not alone. And you’re not crazy. Keep learning, keep resisting, and keep connecting. Our love for one another is more powerful than all the systems conspiring against us.
